The NACOA Helpline

Making a difference in the lives of children of alcoholics

Hilary Henriques
The National Association for Children of Alcoholics was set up in 1990 to address the problems experienced by children growing up in families were one or both parents suffer from alcoholism, or a similar addictive problem.

Our current research indicates that there are 920,000 children and young people under the age of eighteen, living in the UK today with one, or perhaps both parents who have a problem with alcohol. Of these, 644,000 will try to hide the problem from the outside world.

It is clear from research studies that alcoholism as an outcome is but one risk factor for the offspring of an alcoholic. For children of alcoholics the home environment is very often characterised by inconsistent parenting, with unpredictable rules and limited, chaotic or tense family environments; parental violence and spouse abuse; unpredictability; broken promises; loneliness and isolation as family members attempt to hide the family’s problems. Research also shows that the degree to which children are able to shelter themselves from the negative impact of alcoholism plays an integral part in their growing up to be well adjusted adults.

Although some alcohol services offer family based therapies for families, there are few services, which offer help for the vastly greater number of children who suffer from the problematic drinking of parents who neither acknowledge nor seek help for their problems. These children find themselves with no one obvious they can turn to for help. NACOA addresses this need by providing information, advice and support through our free telephone helpline, website www.nacoa.org.uk and supporting services.

Loneliness, fear and confusion are the three problems reported most often by children of alcoholics calling the NACOA helpline. Fourteen year old Tim, told one of NACOA’s volunteer counsellors:

‘Sometimes I don’t think anyone sees me. I feel so alone and so different from the other kids in my class. I used to try to talk to my Mum but that would upset her. I was frightened when I saw my Dad lying passed out on the floor but Mum said ‘it’s all right’. So we ignored him and pretended that nothing’s wrong, although we know there is. We walk around him, we have tea in the kitchen and we can’t watch television because we mustn’t wake him up. We all pretend its normal but I know its not.

We are all happier when he is sleeping because things are calm for a while, although we are dreading him waking up. What will he be like when he wakes up? Will he be angry or happy? Will he go to the pub or to the shed to start drinking again leaving us to worry until he passes out again? We replay the same game over and over in our heads. What will he be like when he wakes up, dad or some raging drunk who hates us, who blames me for his problems – if only I could do better at school, then maybe he would not have to drink.”

Tim is one of 7,284 callers to the helpline in 2002-2003. Tim’s family life is torn apart by violence, by failing relationships, by constant arguments, by financial hardship and by constant neglect of the little things that are so crucial.

The NACOA helpline provides the anonymity and safety needed by children who may be afraid to ask for help, feel they are betraying their parents or think they will not be believed. There are no magical solutions but every caller is counselled as an individual with individual problems and needs; not simply an extension of a parent’s drinking problem. We use a five-step approach, researching services and resources from our library and databases of information, collated over the past fourteen year.

For Tim

we listened and helped him to explore the problems he faces and his feelings in a non-judgemental way

we provided information on alcoholism, stressing he was not to blame, that he could not stop his father drinking but he could do something for himself

we helped him to work out what he could and could not do, both for his father and himself. We helped him to find new ways of coping and ways to have a life for himself irrespective of whether his father continued to drink, or not

we helped him to work out who he could talk to – people he could trust with his private thoughts and feelings, and also who he could not trust

we referred Tim to a local drop in centre for young people in his area and introduced him to youth groups and other activities so he could start to enjoy himself outside the family home

Tim’s father still drinks but Tim knows now that he is not alone. He is still frightened by his father’s drunken rages but he knows that he can go to his friend’s house, without having to explain anything and go home when he feels safe. Tim is still confused by his Mum who continues to try to ignore his Dad’s drinking but he now trusts his own feelings and feels happier that the problem is not his fault or in his imagination. Tim continues to call the helpline when he wants or needs to - he knows we will be here for him and will help him to face problems. He is not alone.

Hilary Henriques is
Chief Executive of NACOA

NACOA welcomes calls from children of alcoholics of all ages and anyone concerned for their wellbeing.

For further information please contact:

Helpline
0800 358 3456 Mon to Fri 10.00 am to 7.00 pm
helpline@nacoa.org.uk
Website
www.nacoa.org.uk

Admin
011-924 8005 Mon to Fri 10.00 am to 4.00 pm
Admin@nacoa.org.uk

For information about the NACOA training programme for helpline volunteers, or other volunteering opportunities please call Anna Saunders on 01176-924 87005
or email volunteering@nacoa.org.uk.